The forgiving of Feanor
by jilian baade
Summary: Silmarillion based. How Feanor might have gained forgiveness, and be released from the Halls of Mandos
1. Default Chapter

The forgiving of Feanor.  
  
Written for Shauna's birthday. This will be two or three chapters long.  
  
The Halls of Mandos  
  
Sometime yesterday afternoon...  
  
The fea of Feanor sat stubbornly in a dark corner of the Halls. He had been there for many ages, resisting the chance to talk to the other dead elves, not even to his sons or his own beloved father would he speak.  
  
Both Mandos and Nienna had tried to get this particularly stubborn elf to speak, to learn, to repent. He would not, and they had found nothing that would move him.  
  
Sighing, Mandos decided to deal with this elf again. He was extremely exasperated by Feanor, for he would not accept the Vala's teaching and correction, holding it to be useless as he could never be released. That was a mistake mused Mandos, telling Feanor that he would never released, and it was one he had not repeated with those of Feanor's sons who dwelt within his Halls. For if one had no hope, why should one try to repent? It was something that had bothered Mandos for a long time, and although he had successfully pleaded with Manwe for mercy for Feanor's sons (for in the matter of the Oath and first Kinslaying it was held that they had been constrained by their father's will) and this had been granted, and three of them had been released, for all of that Manwe refused to show Feanor the same justice.  
  
Mandos had pointed out patiently that if Feanor had some hope he might listen to himself or his sister, and wish to learn for the reward of release. There was not much hope, but Mandos thought, there was always the possibility.  
  
He rounded a corner and was confronted by the longest resident of his halls, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge the fear of some children who were dancing in front of him. So too, he ignored his son, Curufin, the child most like his father, who was pleading with his father to speak to him.  
  
'It is no good, Lord,' Curufin spoke sadly to Mandos, 'Father will still speak to none.'  
  
'A great pity, but you have done enough, Curufin. If your father will not speak, I council you to look to your own redemption for by lingering here, and seeking to aid your father, you are delaying and possibly harming your own chances to live again.'  
  
'Yes, my Lord,' said Curufin, as he left. Mandos was watching Feanor closely, and noticed as he mentioned Curufin possibly harming his own redemption for the sake of his father there a flicker in the fea that was the greatest Smith born in Arda. Silently, Mandos considered what this could mean, and then to his amazement, Feanor spoke.  
  
'Lord, what mean you my son is jeopardising his chances?' asked Feanor.  
  
'By spending his time here, with you, worrying over your repentance, your forgiveness and not his own. This obsession he has with trying to help you helps him not, and is in fact the cause of him still being here.'  
  
Feanor was silent then a long time, and almost Mandos left, giving up the hope the elf might speak again.  
  
'Then, for his own sake, he should not come here again. Will you tell him that for me, Lord? That he might spend his time learning what you teach, correcting his flaws so that he might see his wife and son again?'  
  
'No, Feanor, I will not give that message, you must tell your son that yourself,' said Mandos, correctly perceiving that Feanor couldn't bring himself to tell his son to say away.  
  
'I..I cannot, Lord, for much as I wish him to be released from your Halls, he is my best-loved son and I wish to see him, and to speak to him. I miss my family,' said Feanor suddenly. 'I am lonely, and long for the company of my kin, and,' his voice was the slightest of mere whispers, 'my wife.'  
  
'Your wife is living, and the living are no concern of the dead,' said Mandos sternly.  
  
'I know, Lord, and I know Nerdanel and I did not part friends, but still she is my wife, and I miss her.'  
  
Mandos' mood softened, for Feanor's silence was broken, and although he spoke truth, the living being no concern of the dead, he was secretly pleased Feanor was showing interest in his family, his concern for them showing that just maybe he could be worth of pardon.  
  
'Lady Nerdanel lives with her parents, and your eldest son lives under the same roof,' said Mandos.  
  
'I see. Then she has not sought to sever our marriage bond?'  
  
'Once, long ago she did so seek but was refused.'  
  
Surprise tinged Feanor's thoughts, 'Why, Lord?'  
  
'I cannot tell you that, be grateful I have told you this much,' said Mandos, stern again. Then he looked more kindly on Feanor, 'I am going now, son of Finwe. Think on your family, understand those who dwell here not seek to see you again, and those who do wish your release as well as their own. I shall return to speak to you further,' and then he left. 


	2. Chapter 2

By Aule's Forge.  
  
Author's Note: If you want to know what happened between Feanor and Nerdanel as later mentioned in this chapter, please read Ithilwen's story 'Hide and Seek'. Like all her work, it is excellent!  
  
Mandos knows all things that shall be, save only those that lie still in the freedom of Illuvatar. This was one of the times when all was shadows, even to Mandos. He had thought that Feanor was doomed to dwell forever in his Halls; now he both doubted that this fate was what Illuvatar intended for Feanor, or that such was in the best interests of Feanor.  
  
So, he sought Aule, the Smith, one who knew Feanor well in the days before the Rebellion of the Noldor. Aule received his fellow Vala while at his forge, making the excuse he couldn't leave his current work at that time or it would spoil. Mandos watched as Aule's elven helpers moved quietly about, as they assisted their teacher and friend. Mahtan, Feanor's father-in- law was apparently the chief smith under Aule, and Mandos was glad to see him present, for Mahtan he wished to have speech with, as well as Aule.  
  
The work was speedily completed, and samples shown to Mandos of a beautiful clear white stone which flashed green or blue or red in the sun, and sometimes yellow or pink. Lovely indeed, a work fitting for one of the Valar.  
  
'Now, what event causes you to visit me at my forge, Namo?' asked Aule  
  
'One that has worried me for some time now,' said Mandos  
  
'And what would that be? I know little of doom, or dealing with the dead,' remarked Aule. 'I am a maker, not a healer of souls.'  
  
'It concerns the one known as the Spirit of Fire.'  
  
'How can I help,' remarked Aule, as he noticed Mahtan quietly move to where he could hear the Valar speak.  
  
'I would know of him, as he was before the Oath, and the Kinslaying.'  
  
Aule looked surprised, and beckoned to Mahtan lurking in the shadows. 'Here is one who knew Feanor better than I.'  
  
Mahtan stepped forward and bowed, 'How can I help you, my Lord,' he said.  
  
'We speak of your daughter's husband,' said Aule.  
  
'The Spirit of Fire was named truly, his passions burned too brightly for him to control at times, but I don't believe he was evil, just misguided,' said Mahtan. Then he spoke again, thoughtfully, 'Lord, perhaps I should fetch my daughter.'  
  
'Yes, perhaps you should,' said Mandos. Aule nodded agreement as Mahtan swiftly left to bring his daughter Nerdanel to see the Valar.  
  
'Now, while we wait, Aule, would you support Feanor's release from my Halls?' asked Mandos.  
  
Aule looked startled, and then thoughtful. 'Has he learned why he has been confined there so long?'  
  
'Not yet, but he is beginning to. He still has much to learn, and he would need watching and close supervision to be assured he does not repeat his previous folly.'  
  
'Surely you would not release him if you believed there was any chance of Feanor's causing unrest or rebellion again?'  
  
'Of course not, but a watch on him would be wise, we know of the difficulties between he and his brothers in the past, and we would not want such to occur again. I don't seriously believe there is any chance of another rebellion.'  
  
'I take it you wish me to be that watch? I don't deny that having Feanor work here would be a great help at times,' Aule mused. 'Very well, I agree, but only if everyone else agrees that it is best to release Feanor, and for me to watch him.' The Maker suddenly laughed, 'I do believe I can keep Feanor busy enough to be unable to make trouble even if he wished to.'  
  
By now Mahtan had arrived with his daughter. 'Greetings, Lords,' Nerdanel bowed as she greeted the Valar. 'What do you want of me?'  
  
'We have been speaking of your husband,' said Aule. 'Apparently, there is a belief he should be released from the Halls of Mandos.'  
  
'How do you feel about this, Nerdanel? Once you put forward a plea to be released from your marriage bond,' said Mandos.  
  
'Lord, I did, and I now think that was a mistake. I was angry with Feanor for rebelling, and swearing that Oath, but most of all because he took my children from me. When first I understood he was dead, I was glad, but later was pleased you didn't grant my plea, although I am still unclear why'  
  
'The Valar see most things Nerdanel, and we knew you were angry with your husband, not truly seeking release. If Feanor is released, it will be partly conditional that you and he resume your marriage,' said Mandos.  
  
A troubled look fleeted across Nerdanel's face, and then all expression left her features. 'I don't know I could agree to that, my Lord,' she said quietly.  
  
'Why ever not?' asked Mandos, surprised. It was something he was still not used to, that an elf could surprise him at times.  
  
'Something happened between Feanor and I many years ago,' Nerdanel answered looking almost scared. Was she by chance afraid of Feanor, wondered Mandos.  
  
The Vala didn't get a chance to speak, Mahtan, his face black with rage spoke first. 'What happened, daughter?' he demanded.  
  
'Nothing you need to know about, Father,' Nerdanel replied. 'Mother knows, and it's why she supported me leaving Feanor.' She was silent a moment, clearly turning something over in her mind.'  
  
'My Lord,' Nerdanel turned to Mandos as she spoke, 'Before I could possibly consent to accept living with my husband as part of the conditions of his release, I should have to speak to Feanor,' she stated firmly.  
  
'The living and the dead may not communicate,' said Mandos equally firmly.  
  
'You make your conditions, My Lord, and I make mine. You know where to find me if you want me.' And she turned to leave, only to be confronted by her father.  
  
'You will not so rude daughter, as to leave without being dismissed,' Mahtan had trouble speaking, he was so angry, and started to apologise to the Valar for his daughter's behaviour.  
  
'Peace, my friend,' said Aule. He looked to Mandos for agreement; 'Nerdanel fears her husband, or rather a situation that arose between them.' He now addressed Nerdanel directly, 'You wish to assure yourself this situation would not arise again, that Feanor has learned why he was wrong, and that you could trust him again?'  
  
'Yes, Lord,' she replied.  
  
'A not unreasonable thing,' said Aule, to Mandos.  
  
Reluctantly, Mandos had to agree. 'I shall send word, Nerdanel, when it is time for you to speak to Feanor,' he said.  
  
The elves left then, but Mandos sat still, staring at the dying light of Aule's forge.  
  
'Perhaps you'd best go,' said Aule at last. 'There is much to do, and unless I am mistaken many to speak to before making your decision. If I were you, I'd talk to Feanor's father and brothers before you proceed much further.'  
  
Mandos nodded silent agreement, and bade Aule farewell. As he travelled back to his Halls, he again wondered how it was he thought he'd made a huge mistake. 


	3. Chapter 3

Nerdanel  
  
It was several days before Mandos summoned Nerdanel. In those days, she had heard many rumours, rumours of Mandos seeing many of the Valar, including Manwe. She was also told by Maedhros that Fingon said Mandos had summoned Fingolfin and Finarfin and spoken with her brothers-in-law at great length. No one knew whether Finwe had been consulted yet or not.  
  
The summons came at midday, delivered by an elf Nerdanel didn't know. She thanked the messenger, and offered refreshments, but the silver-haired Teleri simply shook his head, saying he was busy and had to go on, he had several more messages to deliver.  
  
So, she had fifteen days to present herself to Mandos. Good, she thought, as she carefully packed away her paints so they wouldn't dry out and spoil. She left her canvas, bushes, pens and other tools much where they were, spending a moment looking at her most recent work. She didn't often paint these days, mostly she worked with stone and wood carving, but in light of the events several days ago she had felt compelled to paint Mandos and Aule as they had sat in Aule's halls discussing her husband. She was pleased with what she saw, but needed to change the colour used for the forge fire, it was too orange.  
  
She went to her kitchen, and packed dried meat and fruit, a little cheese, and some bread baked only yesterday, and fresh enough to take on her journey. A water bottle, freshly filled, and after a moment's thought, a small wineskin, containing mead. Her sword, and a knife. Her sword, she looked at it again, it was one of the few things she still possessed that was of her husband's making. She'd learned to use it, her youngest sons had taught her, but she never liked using it. Still, she thought as she added a light bow to her arms, on a journey through the wilds of Valinor one didn't know what wild beasts one might encounter.  
  
She collected a couple of blankets, and rolled a spare travelling gown into them. She then went upstairs to change, if she was to arrive at Mandos' Halls in time she needed to leave today.  
  
Familiar voices greeted her as she walked back down the stairs, her eldest son Maedhros, and his best friend, cousin, and lover, Fingon.  
  
'Mother,' Maedhros greeted Nerdanel, embracing her as he spoke.  
  
'What brings you two here, at this time of day?' questioned Nerdanel.  
  
'Aunt, we have seen Grandfather,' said Fingon, 'and he says you will be summoned to the Halls of Mandos to speak to Feanor. Is this true?' her handsome nephew asked.  
  
'Why yes, as a matter of fact it is. I am preparing for the journey even now,' she indicated her things, ready to be picked up.  
  
'Well, it seems we have arrived just in time.' Maedhros looked bewildered at his mother's blank look. 'Did you think to travel alone? Mother, that would folly indeed.'  
  
'So here we are to prevent that folly,' said Fingon from Nerdanel pantry cupboard, as he removed several more food items, adding them to the pile on the table.  
  
'You both intend to accompany me?' asked Nerdanel stunned. Yes, one of the men in her kitchen was her son, and the other become as dear to her as if he were her son, but she hadn't expected them to offer to go on a long, dull, journey in winter.  
  
'Of course, we have horses ready, and it just remains to pack food, clothing and extra weapons,' said Maedhros. 'You forget, mother, that I've travelled that way before, many years ago with father and my brothers. I know the way, and hazards of that journey.'  
  
'You will not be permitted inside, either of you,' said Nerdanel.  
  
'We know, we shall make camp outside and wait,' answered Maedhros, who was watching Fingon with amusement, as he continued to pull foodstuffs from his aunt's cupboard.  
  
'I know you greatly enjoy food, but do we really need to cart this edible mountain with us?' asked Nerdanel of Fingon.  
  
'Oh, sorry,' said Fingon. 'I was looking for the mead, actually, and all these other things were in the way.'  
  
'It is already on the table, ready to journey with us,' laughed Nerdanel.  
  
'Indeed, so it is. Well, I shall go home, and collect my weapons, and some spare clothes, and come back here,' said Fingon.  
  
'No, we shall come and collect you, we must ride past your home to go towards Mandos,' said Maedhros.  
  
Fingon nodded agreement and left. Nerdanel and Maedhros packed gear and food on the waiting horses, and Nerdanel slipped into the forge and saw her father to say she was going away.  
  
Mahtan swung the long spear point away from the forge's direct heat. 'I do hope you are not going alone,' he asked quietly as he examined the work, hammered it twice, and placed it back in the fire to re-heat.  
  
'That looks to have the makings of good spear,' said Nerdanel  
  
'Yes, it's one of set I'm making for Celegorm; daughter don't try to distract me with talk of my work,' replied Mahtan.  
  
'Don't worry so Grandfather, Fingon and I are to be mother's escort,' said Maedhros from the doorway.  
  
'That eases my mind,' smiled Mahtan at his grandson who was so like him in appearance.  
  
'Is this a conspiracy?' questioned Nerdanel in a mock annoyed tone, her arms folded.  
  
'No, just concern from those that you, my dearest, that you are not thinking rationally since you received word to travel to Mandos and might foolishly try to journey on your own,' said Mahtan, embracing Nerdanel affectionately, and covering her in dirt while doing so. Fortunately, Nerdanel was used to this, and was wearing an old gown.  
  
'Fear, not, Fingon and I shall care for mother, and see she does get lost!' laughed Maedhros.  
  
This earned him an affectionate punch on the arm from his mother, and crushing hug from his grandfather.  
  
'We should be gone about a month, or a little more, father,' said Nerdanel to Mahtan, who was busy checking the spear point again.  
  
Mahtan looked up from his work, 'Child of mine, take care. Do not rush your decision or let anyone push you into something you're not happy with, I don't know what happened between you and Feanor, but he does not deserve life again if that will bring you unhappiness'  
  
Nerdanel nodded solemnly. 'I intend to think this through very carefully indeed, father, fear not.'  
  
Mahtan kissed his daughter and grandson farewell and turned back to his forge. 


	4. Finwe

Finwe.  
  
Nerdanel and Maedhros rode slowly though the streets on the way to collect Fingon. As they rode, many people greeted the two, as they were of the Noldorin ruling house they were well known and popular. This slowed their progress, but neither minded for this came with their position. What did surprise them was that so many appeared to know of their destination.  
  
Fingon was waiting, and as Nerdanel and Maedhros approached, he mounted his distinctive blaze faced red roan stallion. 'I was starting to wonder if you two were ever going to arrive,' Fingon said.  
  
'Everyone seems to know what we are doing, and where we are going,' said Maedhros, 'and the streets were full of people who wished to hear the truth from us, or to wish us well on our journey.'  
  
Fingon nodded, and three turned their horse's heads westward, towards the Halls of Mandos, the Vala whose name was actually Namo.  
  
As they rode on roads heavily used, the trio kept a slow pace for now, Nerdanel silent as her thoughts occupied her, and Maedhros and Fingon chatting, both between themselves and to whom ever they met on the road. It was a little while before Nerdanel's silence began to bother her son, 'Why so quiet, Mother?' Maedhros asked. 'Are you alright?'  
  
'Oh yes, fine, I'm just thinking.'  
  
Maedhros had slowed his horse, and now the grey stallion swung in to walk beside Nerdanel's bright chestnut mare. 'Of anything I could help you with?'  
  
Nerdanel shook her head, 'No, my dear son. There are some things a woman cannot speak of with her son. Not many, but some.'  
  
'But may not that woman speak of such things with her father- in-law?' came a familiar voice from just behind them.  
  
'Finwe!' exclaimed Nerdanel. 'Grandfather' said Maedhros and Fingon, equally as startled.  
  
'Yes, I am following you, before you ask,' said Finwe, as he asked his horse, a stallion whose coat was as black as the Noldor king's hair, to come forward and stop near the travellers. Finwe greeted his grandsons and daughter-in-law affectionately, before asking that he be left alone with Nerdanel.  
  
'Go on ahead, and find a campsite for tonight, please?' Nerdanel's voice pleaded with her son and nephew. 'I'm quite sure I'll be fine with the King of the Noldor as my guard,' she laughed.  
  
Fingon shrugged and looked at his cousin, who simply smiled. The cousins left their elders behind then, picking up the pace they rode off leaving Finwe and Nerdanel alone to talk.  
  
'It is obvious you are not riding this way by random,' said Nerdanel.  
  
'Indeed, I am not. I ride this way for several reasons,' answered Finwe.  
  
Nerdanel's expression was one of polite inquiry, but she knew that one trait Feanor had inherited from his father was that he would speak when ready. So, Nerdanel remained quiet, knowing when Finwe had collected his thoughts, and was ready, he would speak.  
  
'I have to see Finarfin tonight, so I ride the same way as you for a little while, that is one reason. Another is the wish to see you, my dear, and to ask why you have been avoiding me,' said Finwe after quite a pause.  
  
'I have not been avoiding you, I just, well, I didn't think you would want to see me,' Nerdanel stammered, confused, and a little embarrassed.  
  
'Why ever would I not want to see you, Nerdanel? You may not be my daughter by birth, but by marriage, and I do love you as if you were my daughter.' Finwe wore a worried expression on his handsome face.  
  
'You know Feanor and I parted with great bitterness. I thought you blamed me for later actions as many did, believing that if I had been there, with Feanor that I might have restrained him from many things, the Oath included.'  
  
Finwe looked genuinely surprised at that. 'Feanor's actions are his own, and no-one else is responsible for them, although he should not have allowed his sons to swear the Oath too.'  
  
Now it was Nerdanel's turn to look surprised, and Finwe spoke again, 'Yes, that is surprising, that I admit a fault in my son. In my time in Mandos, I came to understand that my blind spot was my eldest son. There is a saying, not wisely, but too well, and that is how I loved my son.'  
  
'I think that saying must be true for me too,' Nerdanel whispered.  
  
'Is whatever that happened between you and Feanor so impossible to forgive?' asked Finwe. 'I know of the condition the Valar put on Feanor's return to life, and I ask you: it is impossible?'  
  
'That, my lord,' said Nerdanel suddenly speaking formally, 'I do not know as yet.' She stared ahead, uncomfortable with the turn the conversation had taken, and started violently when Finwe reached over and took her hand in his.  
  
'Do you wish to speak of this, dear child?'  
  
'No, for it is not something a father needs to hear of his son.'  
  
Finwe's expression was of extreme surprise, and concern. 'Have you spoken to anyone?' he asked at last.  
  
'Yes, my mother. She agreed with my decision to leave Feanor.'  
  
'I see. Would I be right in saying that my son's temper was the cause of what happened?'  
  
'To an extent, I may have provoked him too, but it doesn't excuse what he did, and yes, before I left he did apologise, but I was far too hurt to listen.'  
  
'Are you doubting the wisdom of your decision?'  
  
'Not exactly, I just don't trust Feanor anymore. I would have to make him understand that, and see if he could win my trust again before I could agree to be his wife again.' Nerdanel gave Finwe a comforting look, and squeezed his hand, 'My decision will not be quickly or lightly reached or without considering everyone involved.'  
  
'Thank you, my dear. That is what I hoped to hear, I should have remembered you are noted for your wisdom.'  
  
Nerdanel laughed at that. 'Wisdom! I doubt that I am wise, Finwe. Or at least in this matter.'  
  
He gave her a long, measuring look, 'you are wiser than you know, Nerdanel.'  
  
She shook her head, and changed the subject, 'I am glad to see you, Finwe, even though I have been wary of seeing you. For the Noldor, it is good you are back, it was confusing having two Kings, and now everyone is happy to have King Finwe back, although I had thought that you had agreed to stay in Mandos because you couldn't have two living wives.'  
  
'True, but when the situation between Fingolfin and Finarfin's faction threatened violence, the Valar decided the only solution was to have me agree to leave Mandos, and take up the Kingship again.'  
  
'It was fortunate that you did, but even so you may not have arrived in time if it hadn't been for Maedhros, Fingon, Turgon and Finrod.'  
  
'Indeed, I have quick thinking and brave grandsons. They also have better sense than their elders, that they can put aside their differences in a crises.'  
  
Nerdanel nodded, her mind thinking back to the day a little more than a year ago when open war threatened between various factions of the Noldor and the four cousins held back the warriors by nothing more than sheer willpower. But now something else intruded on her thoughts, 'Finwe, there is something I would ask you.'  
  
Finwe's smile encouraged her, as did the thought he knew exactly what she wanted to know.  
  
'How was the situation with Miriel and Indis resolved?'  
  
'Ah, I was right!' The Noldor King looked pleased with himself, 'I guessed you ask that would ask that. Everyone has been wondering, but no-one has asked.'  
  
Nerdanel was staring at her father-in-law with an eyebrow raised inquiringly.  
  
'It's quite simple. As you know when Miriel refused to come back from Mandos, and I wished to marry Indis, Miriel released me from our marriage vows. When the Valar wished me to return for the good of the Noldor, Indis too released me from my marriage vows to her.'  
  
'Simple!' Nerdanel gave a small smile. 'I hear you visited Indis some weeks ago, and before Miriel resumes her duties as handmaid and seamstress to Vaire she is planning to visit you.'  
  
'Why yes, what is wrong with that? It is many years since Miriel last rested from her duties, and she has been in Lorien's gardens refreshing herself. If she wishes to see me, how is that wrong? I have maintained friendships with both my former wives, and enjoy their company on the rare occasions I see them.' The Noldorin King seemed genuinely puzzled to why anyone would think badly of him seeing the ladies, and Nerdanel didn't feel up to explaining the gossip concerning Finwe. So she asked him something else that was on her mind.  
  
'I believe you are hoping to tell Miriel that her son will be back from Mandos soon, and that possibly Feanor might be home soon enough to greet his mother.'  
  
Finwe looked uncomfortable, and Nerdanel noticed his ear tips turning red, a sure sign that she'd been right.  
  
'I cannot promise you anything, Finwe except this: I will not make a hasty decision, and it will be made with the best interests of everyone in mind.'  
  
Finwe had recovered himself, and smiled at Nerdanel, 'then that, my dear, will have to be good enough!'  
  
The two rode on in silence, and soon came to where Maedhros and Fingon had set up camp. With little persuading, Finwe was convinced to stay and have a meal before riding back to see Finarfin. 


End file.
